003.

I have a lot of friends. I am constantly surrounded by people and I love each and everyone of them. But there will always be those ones who are my heart strings. The only ones that truly matter when I wake up and go to sleep every day and night. And once someone is one of those people, they never really leave me. So when they have left, their absence is greatly noticed. I can never forgive or forget what was done, but I miss my friend. There is so much going on right now and I need you. This is something that happens, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. My heart it too involved in everything I do.

I've come to the conclusion that my feelings are always so hard to grasp because there's just always too much going on at once. The only time I'm able to really pin point anything is when I'm just calm, in some kind of "zen moment". And when I do finally grasp something, it's very quickly and easily taken away from me if I don't concentrate on it. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I just know it's really hard for me to get myself into mindsets with my own will rather than fate, or whatever else controls it.

This weekend was wonderful. I just wish I could go back to feeling that content all the time. And I wish he would stop hurting me, but I am not help in that situation at all.