Because it only hits me at times like this.

I've been searching for happiness for what feels like my whole life now. But I can tell you the last time I truly felt it, and that was March 2008. Of course I've been happy since then, just not for an extended period of time. Now it's specific nights, for the weekend, etc. But because I remember how I left back then, I have a standard. It's the "I love my life so much it feels like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest if I smile any harder" feeling. I've been searching for it again since I lost it, and I supposed I'll never truly stop until I have it again..even if I never have it again. What's catching me off guard is that I now find myself missing the past that I wasn't even happy during. Things are good now because I'm closer with the friends I have those memories with, things are good now because I'm seeing this whole new world unwrapping in front of me of whats to come. But I'm having the sudden thoughts that things are going to be different, well obviously, but what I had the past year was good. It wasn't everything I wanted, but it was good and now it's ending and I'm not sure if I wanted it to so quickly. I've lived here almost 3 years. The first year was a story of it's own, it shaped me into who I was to become. It changed who I was my entire life and It'll always be there as one of the best years of my life. But the last two, the last two are when my life really started. I think back to everything that's happened and I can't help but miss each and every memory. I've experienced so much, and even the times I wasn't happy I've begun to miss. In less than two months, things change, and although I never plan on losing this, change is inevitable. Maybe I'm just a little scared. I don't want to give up those nights sitting behind the merch table at the grange where everyone knows my name, I don't want to give up random phone calls from Tyler to come over, I don't want to give up sitting at Dunking Donuts all night with Andrew and Garrett, I don't want to give up driving all my boys to all our shows, I don't want to give up driving these streets I'm sick of every weekend. Things are constantly changing, and it's taking a toll on my heart. 2 years of my life has gone by so fast. The past year has gone by so fast. I don't want to let anything slip by anymore. I want to make sure I tell everyone I love them enough, I want to go to every show, and I never miss out on a night worth remembering. I don't want to waste one second. If I'm going to look back and miss everything, I want it to be worth remembering. I suppose, then again the times I'm missing now weren't even the highest points to me but missing them is hurting so, so bad. Each and every person that's come into my life the past 3 years has given me things to look back on. Now I'm thinking back to the recent past and I want nothing more than to go back and relive it. I don't want to lose any of these people. Not one.