009.

Now I'm just mad. I'm completely understanding of the confusion, depression, and needing to figure any and every thing about life out, so I wish that was all there was to it. But this is just flat out fucked and hurtful.

Maybe I'm better alone. Not to say I wouldn't go back 2 weeks and pause it.. but I don't want to look for anyone else, I don't want to move on. I don't want to try a billion options.. I'd much rather go back to being happy alone. If you can't be happy alone, you're never going to really be happy. I've made the mistake multiple times now of relying on someone else for my happiness and I will never ever do it again. It's so out of character for me. Even if I end up getting what I want some day, I still refuse to lose myself ever again. I'm going to go on with my life. I'm going to reacquaint myself with myself in the few more weeks of iffy weather. I'm going to smile. I'm going to stay close to the kids that hold my heart. And then this spring, and more importantly summer, I'm just going to feel sososo alive with or without whomever wants or doesn't want to be a part of my life. I'm letting everything fall out of my hands for now. Things will work out however they're supposed to. I know I'm better than all of this anyways. I don't deserve it if everything said was meant.

Despite it all, compared to the rest of the past week I felt okay today for the longest percentage of the day yet. I drove to the beach by myself and it was exactly what I needed. I laid in the sand for awhile listening to music and the ocean, walked along a dock and sat there too. Just totally enjoying the sunshine, the feeling of solace it gives me. I walked backwards so the sun would shine in my face..and I almost hope I'm a little burnt so that I can start to get tan already. The sand in my shoes is comforting. I've changed so much in the past 4-5 years, expectantly.. but the beach, the ocean, the sand between my toes.. is a feeling that is just so Tesla. It's a feeling that's a part of me that I know could never lose.

So many of my favorite summer memories over the past 3 summers take place down there. They all played like a movie through my head all day and made me smile.

-Nick and Andrew always washing my windshield on the way home.

-The trip last August with Drew, Amy, Andrew, Nick, and Alex..trunk rides, the random dock we found, the goat that literally said "NIIIIIICCCKKK" and literally had Nick and I on the ground in tears. The drive home getting so vulgar, "I WILL FUCK YOU BUT I WILL NOT CUDDLE, YOU TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME NOW.........DAD.

-The trip with Melissa and Alex, always riding the haunted mansion screaming the whole time, the way the lady at the dragon ride hates how obnioxious we are.

-The trips in '08 with Melissa, Nick, Andrew F, and Alex. Listening to The Postal Service and Heavy Heavy Low Low on the way home. "That ambulance has been driving behind us for like an hour with it's lights on.....where ever they're going, they're dead."

-No call, no show-ing to work just to spend the day at the beach with Stacy and Brittany.

-The day Stace and me went to the beach even when we were supposed to have a thunderstorm and ate pb&j on the secret swing set and drove all the way to Ocean City just for photobooth pictures.

Sometimes things start to not feel right, but I know they'll always come back again. I love my friends so very, very much. I feel so detached from the kids I hung out with in high school but everyone that's been in my life the past 2-3 years has been a constant and all of the best memories of my life have been with them. The fact that just thinking of the beach can remind me of so many good times proves it. I have lived such an amazing life so far and it'll only get better. I can't wait for summer.

I feel like with everything I've had to say lately, I'd start to run out of words. But I guess the more I think the more I realize and the more I have to get out. It just..helps. Letting out every single thought that runs through my head. So hears to the constant novels that have been my blog every day.