blog entry/novel

I think I'm going to be okay now. I've realized I'm acting this way because of the past. I find similarities and assume the worst.

But when things go bad I just can't help but assume I'm going to mess everything up and always get hurt. It's a repeating theme in my life.

I think I might be coming off more melodramatic than I really am in reality. Fuck the internet or text messaging and how nothing ever comes off exactly how you really mean it through these impersonal means of communication. My heart is just attached to absolutely everything I do, everyone who comes into my life gets a piece of it, etc. Sometimes it could be easier if I really just didn't care about anything. I care way, way too much about the people and things that matter most.

The last thing in the world I want is to make you feel bad or unhappy. I would never do anything that I thought would. You can't help how you feel right now. I'll be okay. I'm probably going about this in all sorts of the wrong way but I'd rather be honest and talk to you.

I know I'm making this difficult and sometimes I should just shut my mouth but I needed to say the things I did in order to help myself feel okay. I'm just repeating myself in different ways now but I just want us both happy and I don't want to push you away at all. All that's left to say is.. when you want to text or call,just to talk about nothing or anything, when this in the past, I'll be right here waiting. Until then I'll stay silent.

I went to Philly today to attempt to look for jobs..basically just by walking into places and asking if they were hiring. I'm going to apply to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and any Philadelphia starbucks online that are hiring. I got an application for Johnny Rocket's, applied at the Naked Chocolate Cafe, and the new Falafel place told me to keep checking cause he felt bad he didn't have an application to give me. I don't feel that successful but I'll keep looking. I met up with Chrystina (since Stacy didn't have enough time to really do the tattoo thing before class and I'm too intimidated to go alone) and wandered around for awhile/made her come with me on my uncertain adventures. We got lunch/dinner at Govindas and rode the subway everywhere my indecisive mind took us. Both her and Stace have told me that when I find a job I can live on their floors until I have the money/find a room to move into. I'm waiting for an e-mail back again from the west philly collective I was talking to for the whole ...thing happened. Hopefully that works out. I'd be kind of happy then.

The only thing I'm a little worried about is getting a job, getting back into the city for now, and still not feeling totally better. I just need to figure out what's going to make me happy for the time being, I just don't know what that is or how to go about finding out. I'm just lost.