Everything will slow down.

I wish it wasn't so hard to please me. I wish I didn't reply so much on feelings. I know people who can be friends with anyone, hang out with anyone, and if they get along, that's all that matters. But I rely so heavily on "vibes" if you will, a person can be the nicest person ever, with a bunch in common with me, but still if it doesn't feel right, it'll never be right. I rely too much on comfort zones as well. I'm screaming about getting out of here and needing new people, and I get chances and then I'm not happy with them. I sit in a room full of strangers and instead of looking at this as a room full of oppotunities, I long for the friends I do have, the friends I already know, and think about how much I'd rather be surrounded by them. It's just a much more comfortable feeling. To get in a car full of familiar faces and do absolutely nothing with our lives. Than it is to try everything new and not know the outcome and not feel right about putting foward a ton of effort to make anything new work.

The part that just kills me is that I long for those old friends rather than the new because I love them, I already know them, and they're my comfort zone. Yet when it actually comes down to it, I'm longing for what it was, not what it is. I sit there wanting to choose them over the new option, but when I do have them, it's not what I want either. I want things to go back to the old way so badly, and it's never going to. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with that. I won't just accept it and move on though, because I know theres better than feeling like the old is gone and the new sucks. I know I deserve to be happy again and not just forcing myself to be content.

I guess I can't just assume that because the first new options I gave change proved to be less than what I expected that everythnig will turn out that way. Maybe those friendships just werent meant to be the replacements, maybe I still have to wait a little longer and search a little harder.

to finish this all up though with out typing five page lengths:
-I dropped out of Del Tech
-Halloween was awkward and an adventure all at once. I'm not sure where a friendship will go with Chrystina but I'm thankful for the memories.
-I'm also thankful for the people in my life who I'm completely comfortable around and that I can speak freely around. Although last night was a bummer because Andrew's car broke down I'm glad I got to go out for a few hours with those old friends that I feel at home with.
-I've been spending too much time alone and sleeping the last few weeks, I'm trying to change that, but I don't know how to start living like I need to. I've got a lot of decisions to make, and a life to make, but I'm a little lost about how to go about it. The next few months aren't going to be anything, just me doing what I want to do. The future can be on hold for a bit.