It always seemed sort of cliche for something bad happening to scare you enough to realize some obvious things about life. like it being too short, like needing to keep the people you care about close, and that it can end at any second. Not that I didn't already know those kinds of things, but I just can't explain how sure I was that those were going to be my last few minutes. I didn't know it was possible to be that terrified. I've had so many situations in the past 4 years that have lead to me wanting to just give up. Everytime I'm happy, everytime I think "maybe I'm gonna be okay now", something comes to rip it right out of my hands. And it's so old and unfair. I just try and live my life and try to be happy, and something is always there to stop it from continuing. But saturday night/sunday morning was the biggest in my face wake up call i could have imagined. You always think it'll never happen to you. I tend to live my life a little as if i'm invinsible, doing whatever i want to without thinking about the consiquences or being all that causious. Not to say I wasn't driving perfectly good, the ice..it was out of my control. I've always been afraid of dying, but having it that close to me, sensing it in my presence, was something i never want to feel again. Theres been nights where I don't feel like living anymore, where I've talked about not waking up or not caring too much if this was over if i was always going to be unhappy. But really truely believing I might be a few seconds away from never living again, I can truely say I'm happy to be alive and I want to live as much longer as I possibly can.
The trip up with Garrett, seeing Life in Your Way and With Honor, and most of the trip home was a wonderful. The show was so worth the 4 hour drive and getting stuck in a parking lot of snow. But hitting ice on a bridge 15 minutes from home wasn't supposed to be part of the plan. Diving out of the path of a 18 wheeler about to hit ice wasn't part of my list of things to do in my life. Pictures keep repeating in my head, I can still feel everything, this is still so fucked. 4 am saturday night/sunday morning was the most horrible situation i've ever had to go through other than my dad's death. Continusly ending up in horrid situations everytime I start to be okay again has got to end. Something has got to change.
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