where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

When I look back and I think about the "life I always wanted", I have it. I have it now almost exactly, almost thought for thought. There's a few points missing here and here but they're not far from my reach and they're just in the distance along the horizon. But although it's everything I'd wish for, it's still not good enough. And this is something that's killing me and causing me to want to hide under a blanket, ashamed to look at my face. Why can't I just be content? I am completely fine with the money I'm making, I'm starting to live a healthier lifestyle, i have great friends, i spend almost all my spare time traveling to shows, i know i'm loved, but theres still this huge whole in my heart and i can feel and it's so powerful that it takes away the good from the good times and it keeps me awake at night and it tears my apart on drives home once i've dropped everyone off to the point where the roads blur from all the stupid fucking tears. I just want to know if this is it. If this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life, constant regret over not having the time of my life with everything i do. Constantly feeling like theres something more to this, that this isn't just good enough yet. And I hate thinking that way because I'm so lucky for getting to where I'm at. But I've felt what it's like to feel so much greater than this. To love this life so much I feel like my hearts going to burst out of my chest. And I don't think I'm going to be okay again until I feel that way again. But I'm terrified it's never going to happen.