I truly do love my life and what I'm about and I'll be totally happy again some day.
There's someone who's has asked me to hangout literally every day since I got back from North Carolina. A few months ago I would of been so excited at the idea of getting to know him. We've still yet to hang out, I'm full of excuses. It's for a lot of reasons, but still I'm my own worst enemy. I guess a part of it is just don't have the effort to get to know someone, to throw myself completely under the bus into the unfamiliar. I stick to all my best friends because they already know me. It's easier when I don't have to speak or when I can say anything and it's just well...comfortable. Right now most days the idea of having to make an effort to entertain someone feels like too much pressure for me into push myself into. I want change but I'm not willing to do what it takes, again...I do this to myself.
As sad as I feel most days and as messed up as some of my entries have me sound.. those are really me at my worst, I really do still love my life. It's just getting caught up in figuring how where to go next that pulls that feeling away from me. I live a lot more than most people do. I see things, experience things..things that some people never will. I love the way I live, I'm excited for all the rest of the days I get to know. I'm alive and I won't be forever, I know I'll make the most of my time. It's just totally convincing myself that nothing other than what I have right now, who is a part of my life everyday matters. You don't need anyone, you don't need anything. Life will end and none of this will have mattered. So I can go on afterall.
"Well take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head. Say I don't mind you under my skin. I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in. When we were made we were set apart. Life is a test and I get bad marks. Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins. The storm is coming, the storm is coming in."
The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me will always mean so fucking much to me.
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