004.

I've wanted to find it in me for so long now to push myself so hard into the things that are going to make me happy. I'm not currently doing as bad as I've seen myself get, but it can always be better and I'm definitely not where I want to be, where the end goal is. It's just that every time I start working towards something, I get pushed down again. I know this is how my life is, and I know the lifestyle I choose to lead is never, ever going to be on the side of helping me out except for making me a better person, albeit a more depressed better person. But when everything is stressing me out to the point of tossing and turning every night away, it's hard to even acknowledge that I can hardly even handle the little things right now.

Like how I keep calling this person my best friend, when they are not that any more and no matter how close I feel to them when they're there, there is something incredibly fucked up with our relationship and it's just not even there right now, and won't be for a long time now if it's even fixable.

Or how I hate the idea of craving having feelings for someone, the urge to feel butterflies and hold hands. I don't know how to even go about that right now, when I think about trying all I can go back to is that it's not him. It's not you, and that's who I want it to be. I don't know how I get over that, especially when the amazing person i think you are is not going to change and all your best friends are liking my tumblr posts. I'm thinking about the holidays next year, so far from now, when we're both back in our hometowns and so close, i wonder if you'll even still cross my mind come then.