003SS

It's almost 4:30 am, I can listen to music a little louder than usual because both rooms near mine are empty tonight. Lately I can't really describe how I feel about anything. I feel fine sometimes, overwhelmed in others, lonely, but with no where else I'd rather be. I don't want to feel such lack of sleep anymore, I don't want to worry about where money is coming from, I don't want to wonder who I'd go to if something was really wrong. I miss my best friend, who I haven't spoken to in so many weeks now (for some good reason, and some not) and who I'm more terrified of slowly losing than I ever have been or than anyone that's ever slowly faded over the years.

I feel like Atlanta has things to offer me, but at the same time like it might continue to lack something. Some times I need those friendships where we laugh at our terrible sense of humor and things aren't so serious all of the time. As I much as I love the discussions that we have here, how much I feel like I can learn and have opportunities to be a part of and expresses my thoughts more coherently, I don't know how I'll find those direly important friendships I'm used to having, that level of closeness that surpasses what I'm capable of understanding. I can't tell if they're here or not (don't forget how Asheville was).

This morning the weather was nice and I woke up excited to put on shorts and start the day, to find a semblance of happy just in drinking coffee and opening my windows. Yet as the day dwindles on, I notice his absence, I notice feeling alone and knowing I have to make the effort to get to know people better but wishing I had the choice to fall back on someone else if I needed it.

I have absolutely no idea where I'm headed, I can't even begin to imagine.



1. S

I've left so many times, and I know the distance can leave us unaffected- we've done this. I know that you'll miss me too at some point, but I hate how much I miss you now. It'll be close to a year soon from when you first headed west, when you first ended everything we knew about our friendship and left the future of it up in the air. And I've been terrified since of losing you. I've told you that so many times. I've spent a lot more time with you in the past year than I expected to at first, but it's been so bad for us so much of the time I no longer know what to expect from the future at all. You'll be here soon but, as much as I need to see you, as much as I need to fall asleep next to you, having you for a few days and once again getting used to your absence, used to the idea of our lives being so separate, used to the thought of not knowing when I'll see you again, is going to be so fucking hard on me right now. I try so hard to keep the people close to me close no matter the physical distance, but sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes they fade anyways despite all the effort you have to give at the time. Sometimes there's help in the creation of that distance, our lives' interests taking courses too far astray from one another- but it doesn't mean the loss of those people who were once my world doesn't still sting sometimes.  I mean, fuck, there's some who I can't even stand so much as humans who I'll love with all my heart until the day I die. I can't handle the thought of adding you to that list, let alone what it would do to me if one day I wake up to realize you're not a part of my life anymore. You're supposed to be forever, and I want that so bad. I want to know our friendship is going to last so much longer than now, but it's so hard to even begin to picture how that is ever going to happen, how you'll ever be more than a visit or a phone call again. I don't know where my life is taking me and I don't think you know where yours is going either, we have vague ideas, but I hope with all my heart they lead us back to one another one day, hopefully not so far away after all.