But in my life, more than anyone else I know, everything always comes together.
Every single thing affects another, and I find the strangest connections and full circles.
The past few days that I've spent hanging out around Delaware, I needed them. If most of my plans had worked out I wouldn't have been around home. I'm glad they didn't, I needed to be put back in my place. To remember who I am here. To feel the love that exists here. That nothing matters quite as much as jumping into a van with my boys and not having any other care in the world. That wandering feeling. That I don't fucking need anyone else other than these people. That I'm independent and fine alone. That I feel more like myself when I jump out of my friends moving care, goofing around and able to be totally my silly self, right into the arms of another friend. I needed to feel this way again.
I just needed to be reminded who I am. I let yet another person come into my life (and though I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did and end up how it is now-i don't regret it happening) and I let them throw me off course. I always say never again, and it always happens again. I don't think I wouldn't try again..I just think I finally know how not to lose myself in someone else ever again and mean it this time. It's not worth it to feel the way it does when it goes wrong.
Delaware will always be the one thing I have that reminds me who I am when I start to forget. So I'm glad I've spent these nights lately doing exactly what I have. I can go on with my life again, start where I left off.
Tonight I went up to Newark and hung out with various people, just wandering around. Melissa, Brett, Zoe, Andrew, Tyler, Buff, etc. I was hyper as hell for a little while, drinking a slurpee, singing The Sidekicks in the back seat of my best friend's car.
Sitting in the seats of cars when I'm in the right mindset (my favorite mindset), sometimes I feel like everything is a movie. Those are the times I feel most alive. Which I realized makes absolutely no sense since movies aren't real life. But it makes sense to me. And being able to feel that again today was a definite break through for me, I haven't felt it in a while and it was so, so good. Just looking at the sky, on a completely different level than the rest of the world. I'm almost back. Almost.
After I got home I got a text, "What are you doing in a little? I'm very interested in seeing you but I'm not in a group mood." So I went back to Newark for the second time, picked Garrett up and we walked around for a few hours just talking.
You know, it's taken years (and back then I never thought it could happen) but you've finally opened up to me. I'm so glad I have your trust, I feel like that's a rare thing from you. Hearing it straight from your mouth "You can't fucking trust anyone and I don't, but I trust you"..it meant something. It's not something easily given away from you. And I strangely, feel like I could tell you anything as well. I'm glad we're on this level. I'm glad you care. I've called you one of my best friends for awhile now and I finally feel the title fits. I was thankful for all the conversation.
Love all these boys.
I also wish people would realize that anything you say to someone close to me, is sure as hell going to get back to me even if it's said in a casual context. My relationships with my best friends, no words go untold. My friends have my back. Garrett told me to hate, I don't want to hate. He said I have good reason to. I'd rather be numb to it. I don't know what to feel though. Because nothing isn't possible or right either.
After awhile I took Gregy home cause I was freezing, and I realized just about everything I just typed. I don't need anyone else. I have people that care about me and love me and want me around and who are thankful for me.
Fuck anyone else who doesn't see what I have to offer or want it.
The rest of this week is going to rule. Back to living my life.
"and no, no one can say that you are far away. there are memories, warm feelings which will always remain. like college radio late nights, and heart to heart curbsides. the sheer beauty of which there are not words to explain. the ghosts in the attic sure beat TV static. we were up all night, quite close to insane and all the time learning from each other how to keep out the rain"
I hope there's enough room in the van so I can go on tour. I miss when I literally only spent my time with the boys, and at Cut Short shows. I know if I can take off with them, jump in that van...I'll be back. Completely. It's where I feel most at home, with them.
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