003.

Went sledding with Melissa, Andrew, and Joanna today. It was nice to get out of the house unexpectedly and have fun with some good friends. I don't think I stopped laughing the entire time. I was in tears from the minute I got into the car when they picked me up, until the moment I got home. It felt so good. I was a bit sad for a little while sitting in Andrew's basement, listening to him play familiar songs on guitar, reminiscing together about old times and missing summer like I always do. But regardless, it was a good night and I think I needed it. Tyler was always right, I lose myself a little when I'm in these 4 walls so distant from everyone.

The actual sledding adventure was pretty ridiculous, but what am I ever involved in that's not? Melissa wanted to go sled with me first so we decided we were badass enough to conquer the huge steep hill. We were not. We take off, start turning and spinning so fast, hit a big bump and go flying through the air landing on each other and tumbling over one another down the hill. We were literally covered in ice. We both had one of those moments where you know whatever is happening right is isn't something normal and our lives flashed before our eyes. It was hilarious though. I think we layed their laughing for a good ten minutes after we made sure nothing was broken. Joanna said everyone at the top of the hill gasped, hahaha. We went back to the car to recoup for a minute and then went back up. Joanna and mfd were ready to go, but me and Andrew sled a few more times on a baby mountain, I went once alone and hit a jump someone made and went flying face first into the snow again and the last time I went with Melissa again and Andrew jumped on me right after we took off and choked me the whole way down and we somehow ended up on his sled. All I remember is Melissa freaking out when we got up, "NO. WAIT. STOP. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?" I am so happy I have my friends again. We went back to Andrew's afterwards and just hung out forever talking about sososo many things. "I hate that my hair is forever wet look" "I hate cats but I love pussy" "I never do that first...." Joanna and me have gotten a lot closer lately, it's unexpected but nice.

I'm getting $255 back from my taxes, and tomorrow I'm going to finally send in those college books for $60. I may be bored out of my mind, but at least I'll have gas money again. I'm not worried about it, things will be figured out at some point.

I'm still happy, and as long as I'm saying that.. then nothing else matters. Always.
I know that this silly boy is the main reason for that. And I have no complaints.

Well, other than the fact that I hate when I can't make people I care about happy. If there's one thing in the whole world I wish I could always do, it would be making sure I was always doing whatever I could to be sure that the people I love are always happy and content and smiling. There's nothing I want more.

The 17th/18th is coming up fast, I don't know if I can handle it this year. 5 years and I'm still in denial. I don't want to be alone those days, I don't want to be dwelling on it, I don't want to cry. I hate this. I just want my father to show up on the door step and tell me it was all a cruel joke just like I've wanted since I was 14. But I'll never see him again. 5 fucking years without him and it still stings like it was yesterday. It's never going to seem fair.