hb

I've been overthinking this for weeks, and I'm just now acknowledging it. By this time in my life, almost half way through twenty-two, you'd think I'd have a better grasp of my own personality and qualities or quirks.
But no, I'm still irrationally doing the same things I've always done, even though nine times out of ten, in this sort of situation, over thinking almost always comes to the wrong conclusions.

I just feel like I deserve, not in an entitled way, but in a I'm allowing myself to do what I want sort of way, to pursue personal happiness and it's just always going to cause my mind to spin when it can't just be simple.
And even when it is I'm always scared it's going to change at any given moment.

You'd think people couldn't just stop caring, or change their minds in an instant, but I've had it happen to me so many times that I'm expecting it with out any given reason. I just hope that my fears don't overcome my ability to feel okay in the now and make themselves more real, or some how negatively affects any given situation in which they're relevant.

I also want to say something about how I've never really enjoyed the idea of being into "posi", and I think that's because for the most part those are the people who have the advice when you're sad, to just think positive or just try and be happier. No, fuck you. Unhappy and sad are my permanent states of exsistance. And if I want to think and talk about everything I think is terrible and unfair and shitty when I feel those things, it anything it's going to justify my feelings and make me feel a little more sane. Plus I WANT to be filled with all this hate and rage, its the only way anything is ever going to fucking change. So screw your positive, "be happy" shit. I'm going to cry and break things all I want. I'm going to sit in these feelings and know them and I'll be more of a person because of it.