004.

I came out to California in August because I was broke and didn't really have any other options at the time, our house was ending and I couldn't afford to move in somewhere new. The plan was to go to a semester of school, MAYBE get a job, save money living rent-free, and then move back to the East coast. My mom continually said during our phone conversations, "I wish you would just come live with me".

It's been 5 months now (6 since I left Asheville, and one of those I did spend in Santa Cruz and Portland, plus a few other short trips but) I've finished that semester of school, had a terrible job for a minute that I was so mentally unhealthy during that I couldn't fake that I could handle being there, and spent some time with my best friends that was so incredibly needed to get me out of the place I was in. By the time that was all said and done, it seemed unneccessary to job search again because by the time the interview process, training, and actual work started, I'd be close to quitting to leave.

Other than working on school, I typically keep to the bedroom I have here. I don't have access to a car unless I take my mom to work, and there's not much to do around here within walking distance. The first two months I was here I was in one of the worst places mentally I've ever found myself. Until my best friend came to see me and I went on a little trip, I really couldn't manage to do anything but put all my mental capacity into watching The Office becaue otherwise I'd feel too sick and like crying to do anything at all, even so much as go to the store.

But I'm doing better now, REALLY REALLY better, but my family knows nothing about my life back home and I can't find a way to explain it or why the things they expect from me are never going to be the way I live my life. My mom and her boyfriend have some ridiculous problem with me staying in this bedroom most of the time, I usually leave the house to go for a walk or go get some food most days (and I've been doing things I think are productive, like teaching myself a new language, reading things I think are important, and sewing, things of the life), but for whatever reason I'm still managing to make them mad, literally by not doing anything. And it isn't even like lack of helping around the house, I am soccer mom number two, I do my dishes, I keep my space picked up. I don't know how participating more would change anything, if I went in the living room I wouldn't be able to listen to music, watch a movie, I wouldn't talk to anyone because my mom is never home at night and I don't have any interest in getting to know her macho republican boyfriend, I'd be sitting there staring at children's television or my sister on the internet. So I'm not quite sure what I should be doing so differently.

Last night my mom basically told me to figure out within 24 hours when I could leave. Because kicking me out is going to solve all of her issues, or something I guess. I'm not even upset about it, more so slightly annoyed I'm having to deal with this.

My family are my friends miles and miles away. The people I've lived with that really know me, the ones I cook dinner with, fall asleep next to, talk to, who know that I'm one of those friends that is ALWAYS there if they need me and how important that will always remain. I don't know why I come off so different to my family here, I've always been the type of person that keeps to myself unless I'm with my best friends, but frankly I don't think there's much to blood when I've had and know I'll have something so much more fit to me elsewhere.

My personality leaves me feeling guilty, like I have done something wrong or that I'm a bad person, why would someones mom kick them out otherwise? But I search my brain and literally other than keeping to myself, not changing my personality for someone else (because literally that's what she's asking me to do and when have I EVER EVER compromised who I am becasue someone else told to me, excuse me but that's something people say they respect about me the most frequently so fuck you), I haven't done anything. So good riddance, I don't need or have to deal with feeling uncomfortable and guilty when I haven't done anything to deserve it. I'm sorry I'm not the person you want me to be, but I know plenty of people that like the person I am and those are the ones that deserve my attention.

So I'll go be with them.