There's nothing left to truely look foward to. I don't know when just hanging out with my close friends became "not good enough" but I really hate myself for that. March is full of wonderful outings and I'm just counting down the days until better weather, that is going to change so, so many aspects of what life is like right now. I'm scared to see how I am going to feel, act, and respond with last last days of this month. I haven't been quite right lately, and it only gets worse when I don't have interesting things going on, or at the vary least small things to look foward to. The only constant in my life that I'm actually enjoying is going to Yoga 2-3 times a week, followed by 30 minutes of work out. I don't know whether losing weight or being "prettier" is going to really affect my life or not, but while I don't have much else going for me, I might as well try. Even if it boosts my happiness by just a microscopic amount, it's worth it.
Speaking of March, I can't believe in basically a month it's going to have been a year since the last time I was truely in love with my life and truely what I define as "happy". A year spent sitting here waiting and reaching for that feeling again, who knows if I should give up or keep trying. How long should you have to fucking try for?
This time last year until Auguat, I was a different person. I was growing, I was changing, I was seeing things in a new way and learning new things about myself every day. I don't know when or how, but somewhere between then and now I completely lost that mind set. I feel so blocked in. I know nothing about myself. I can't see things from as many angles as before. I'm not trying new things as often, and when I do they're not in the least bit as mind blowing as they used to seem. I changed into a person I liked better, a person who had meaningful things to say, a person that saw things different, a person who knew what she liked, who she wanted to be, how she lived her life, and was finding new subjects to add to all of those lists at such a fast rate. Well some how, I've regressed. Not completely back into my old self, but into a different version of it. A version that is even worse off than before. Stuck completely in a rut, trying to make a list of ways to most successfully get out of, and staring at a blank paper with a blank mind. How can I expect to ever be happy when I can't even figure out exactly who I am again?
To contradict myself a little bit, I did realize something about myself tonight. I guess it wasn't actually realizing because I know the things I do..the problem is that I don't know how to have any control over them whatsoever. I caught myself taking a situation, giving the benefit of the doubt to the negative aspect, and concluding in an outcome that was personally aimed at me and bringing me down whereas when it came down to the truth, the situation had nothing to do with me and I misjudged it completely. I'm tired of thinking this way. So, so tired. I wish, just for a minute, I could have faith. Faith in anything. Faith in the future, myself, my friendships..especially my friendships. I think I had it at some point? But along with many other things, remember and being able to feel the past is also a hardship I'm trying to over come as my memories slip further away from me every morning. But if I did, it's long gone. I have no idea what caused my lose of it, but I wouldn't know feeling faith and reassurance if it was right in front of my face.
I am so, so tired. I keep living the way I do, because I like how I live. I wouldn't change my outlook on that at all. But while I'm not changing anything, I'm expecting my attitudes and thought processes to adjust themselves. But I know that's pretty unlikely, you have to change something to cause any sort of reaction. There is no change in a routine. And that's what the things and people I love are becoming. A routine that I have no faith in. As always, something has GOT to change. And that something is the first step I have to take. But that part is difficult all in itself, because I have no idea where to even begin looking in a direction to take that step.
I am a mess.
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