I go back and forth between writing on here, writing in my journal, and not writing at all. I think I had to take a break from everything and just let time pass before I could wake up and feel a little better, and so that's what I did, and then one day I woke up and felt a little better.
When July hit I knew it was going to get easier, and now we're coming to the end of the month and I'm okay again. Things are still up in the air all over the place, but I've started to realize I've come more into my own here and while sometimes the heartbreak stings a little I can push it away and go on.
There was one afternoon a few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch in our living room and suddenly had the thought, "I have an overwhelming feeling that it's over". While I didn't know where that feeling came from or why it was so overwhelming, who would have known I was right. And it sucks, and it's confusing, and it's going to feel like unfinished business for a very long time, but it happens.
Shitty things happen and I'm better than letting this break me again.
I've been having fun again, I've been laughing again, I've been making friends and getting to know people better. I spent my 21st birthday a few weeks ago with all people I've known less than 7 months and that night was the night that pulled me out of the horrible place I've been once and for all (at least this time around).
I went to Ohio and realized that no matter how upset I was about not being with who I orginially wanted to spend my summer with, or how my plans fell apart, or how much time I spent feeling so crazy, I was right where I was supposed to be. I wasn't meant to spend my summer in Brooklyn, I was meant to go on an impromptu trip to Ohio and see my best friends. I was meant to drink wine in that tree house, I was meant to go swimming in that lake, I was meant to get that new job and realize that there's another boy that I don't see so often that just makes me happy when he's around.
I've also realized in the last few months I've become a lot more vocal, I can speak up for myself, share my opinions and hold my own more than ever before. I'm so excited about this and I feel like it's only going to make anything coming in the future that much better. I'm figuring out even more about the things that I feel are important, the things I want to fill my life with. And I'm becoming more and more comfortable with feeling like I can talk about them being educated and eloquent enough on the matter.
We're starting some projects around here and I'm going to start only focusing on the positive things. If something doesn't work out, it doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to be in my life, they don't matter.
I'm going to go on and try my hardest to figure out where things are supposed to go from here because obviously my ideas a few months ago weren't right. Some things that have happened this summer are going to take me a little while to get over, trust is something that I've seen get broken over and over along with my heart. But I'm in a place where I'm mentally capable of taking care of myself, I'm aware of what's rational and I can actually believe the words coming out of my mouth.
As always I have no idea what even next week is going to bring. Except for starting this new job I have no plans or even thoughts about when I'll leave again. That's a little scary but it's still warm and there's still rivers to swim in and there's still beers to drink and there's still friends to hug and like I kept telling myself even when I didn't believe it'd ever be true again "everything will always be okay."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
the last time
I've done all that I can do and now it's all up to you.
I feel like I've been in this position far too many times, but this time it's a bit different. I have to remind myself of so many things, like how ugly jealousy is and no matter what you're doing I was still the girl you'd come pick up just to watch movies, who you'd lean over and kiss on the forehead in the car. And that if we had said goodbye for the summer, it'd be like this anyways.
The outcomes are clear. I'm more than aware (and how I wish I wasn't) that I'll spend my summer missing you, a little more sad in every situation than I would be if you were here. But the simple fact is that I have to deal with it, you're not here and I have to get over it- because I can't and won't know how the future is going to be when you're back, until you're back; And for all I know the time between now and then is indefinite.
I'm just waiting to be able to sleep. Waiting to be able to shut my eyes and rest easy. That can't be asking too much, I'm not asking to fall asleep smiling like I used to.
Being back in Asheville has my sense of time completely distorted. Almost six weeks have passed since those goodbye kisses on the front steps, but since I've been back I still catch myself hoping to run into you downtown when I'm walking alone; Waiting to see you with a banjo in your lap sitting on some sidewalk. I'm walking around this little city wishing I could walk to that house I was almost always sure to find you, sit down on the couch next to you and wait for a kiss and a night of Firefly. I'm waiting for you to walk in the kitchen and when I act flustered and busy, you grab my arm and pull me in to you.
I can't fall asleep because those few weeks play through my head. Going to bed in that tiny room, on that tiny twin mattress, having tickle fights like middle school crushes. The nights you'd walk an hour or more just to see me, show up drenched in sweat at midnight, all to sit with me and you didn't care if I felt like being quiet. Walking to the store, sharing forties and never ceasing to remind you that you "owe me a million". The days we'd plan the next day, adventures to take place that week and how I never stopped being surprised that you'd want to spend all your time with me. I was always waiting for you to get bored. Most of all I'm watching the rain wishing to go back to those afternoons of thunderstorms, sitting on that porch hand in hand.
It all happened too quickly and easily but I mean it more than I mean anything that this was different than ever before. The moment I saw you, the moment we were first introduced, I knew I needed to know you. And every moment after proved me right.
All those words.
All the adorable things you never ceased to say before we fell asleep.
"Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes" "It's not really a secret" "What is it!" "I think you're really cute, every thing you do is cute."
"All the sweet peas are by the highway, so I guess we can't really eat them." "No sweet peas for us ever." "Except you........ HA GOT YOU! Yes, the sweetest sweet pea of them all."
"I still don't know what it is." "What?" "That thing about you." "What are you talking about?" "There's just something about you, and I don't know what it is. But it's still there and its been there since before we even spoke. I just knew I had to get to know that girl, like I had no choice in it. And it's still there."
"Sure am gonna miss you".
I'm going to drive myself crazy, the chances are so high. But maybe I'm already there. Or maybe this is all a part of it; Getting over you without really getting over you, realizing how amazing those times were and how if it's supposed to return to the same once we're in the same place at the same time again, it will.
The fact now is that my heart is broken without you even meaning to break my heart. You're just out exploring the world and I wish it would have worked out better, or that we had met sooner and had more than a few weeks of so many good things. And now I'm just here, hoping you're having the time of your life, but anticipating your return.
My heart is far from my body. States and disconnect. I'm learning how to let go without a bad ending- I've never had to do this before, and without letting too far go. But I'm learning to do so, so that I can live my own life again, so that I can be happy with or without anyone else. I'm glad I have the summer because I feel like it's going to take that much time, if not longer. But if I can do this, if I can stop falling apart long enough to put myself back together enough to stick, then when the time comes everything will be even better than before. At least I can hope, and that's better than the sheer desperation of feeling like nothing could ever possibly be okay again- and that's a feeling I've become far too familiar with lately. I'm crawling back from rock bottom here, and I'm hardly off the ground yet. But I'm trying so hard to be done now, there's a long road waiting outside my house and a heavy door to pull open to get there first.
I feel like I've been in this position far too many times, but this time it's a bit different. I have to remind myself of so many things, like how ugly jealousy is and no matter what you're doing I was still the girl you'd come pick up just to watch movies, who you'd lean over and kiss on the forehead in the car. And that if we had said goodbye for the summer, it'd be like this anyways.
The outcomes are clear. I'm more than aware (and how I wish I wasn't) that I'll spend my summer missing you, a little more sad in every situation than I would be if you were here. But the simple fact is that I have to deal with it, you're not here and I have to get over it- because I can't and won't know how the future is going to be when you're back, until you're back; And for all I know the time between now and then is indefinite.
I'm just waiting to be able to sleep. Waiting to be able to shut my eyes and rest easy. That can't be asking too much, I'm not asking to fall asleep smiling like I used to.
Being back in Asheville has my sense of time completely distorted. Almost six weeks have passed since those goodbye kisses on the front steps, but since I've been back I still catch myself hoping to run into you downtown when I'm walking alone; Waiting to see you with a banjo in your lap sitting on some sidewalk. I'm walking around this little city wishing I could walk to that house I was almost always sure to find you, sit down on the couch next to you and wait for a kiss and a night of Firefly. I'm waiting for you to walk in the kitchen and when I act flustered and busy, you grab my arm and pull me in to you.
I can't fall asleep because those few weeks play through my head. Going to bed in that tiny room, on that tiny twin mattress, having tickle fights like middle school crushes. The nights you'd walk an hour or more just to see me, show up drenched in sweat at midnight, all to sit with me and you didn't care if I felt like being quiet. Walking to the store, sharing forties and never ceasing to remind you that you "owe me a million". The days we'd plan the next day, adventures to take place that week and how I never stopped being surprised that you'd want to spend all your time with me. I was always waiting for you to get bored. Most of all I'm watching the rain wishing to go back to those afternoons of thunderstorms, sitting on that porch hand in hand.
It all happened too quickly and easily but I mean it more than I mean anything that this was different than ever before. The moment I saw you, the moment we were first introduced, I knew I needed to know you. And every moment after proved me right.
All those words.
All the adorable things you never ceased to say before we fell asleep.
"Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes" "It's not really a secret" "What is it!" "I think you're really cute, every thing you do is cute."
"All the sweet peas are by the highway, so I guess we can't really eat them." "No sweet peas for us ever." "Except you........ HA GOT YOU! Yes, the sweetest sweet pea of them all."
"I still don't know what it is." "What?" "That thing about you." "What are you talking about?" "There's just something about you, and I don't know what it is. But it's still there and its been there since before we even spoke. I just knew I had to get to know that girl, like I had no choice in it. And it's still there."
"Sure am gonna miss you".
I'm going to drive myself crazy, the chances are so high. But maybe I'm already there. Or maybe this is all a part of it; Getting over you without really getting over you, realizing how amazing those times were and how if it's supposed to return to the same once we're in the same place at the same time again, it will.
The fact now is that my heart is broken without you even meaning to break my heart. You're just out exploring the world and I wish it would have worked out better, or that we had met sooner and had more than a few weeks of so many good things. And now I'm just here, hoping you're having the time of your life, but anticipating your return.
My heart is far from my body. States and disconnect. I'm learning how to let go without a bad ending- I've never had to do this before, and without letting too far go. But I'm learning to do so, so that I can live my own life again, so that I can be happy with or without anyone else. I'm glad I have the summer because I feel like it's going to take that much time, if not longer. But if I can do this, if I can stop falling apart long enough to put myself back together enough to stick, then when the time comes everything will be even better than before. At least I can hope, and that's better than the sheer desperation of feeling like nothing could ever possibly be okay again- and that's a feeling I've become far too familiar with lately. I'm crawling back from rock bottom here, and I'm hardly off the ground yet. But I'm trying so hard to be done now, there's a long road waiting outside my house and a heavy door to pull open to get there first.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
saddrweirdr
I can't spend my summer ending up collapsing on my hardwood floor, wine drunk and crying. I can't let this summer pass me by.
A few nights ago Amanda asked who I had been talking to on the phone earlier in the day (Melissa) and when I asked why, her response was, "Because you were laughing so hard, and it was so nice. I don't know the last time I truly heard you laugh." I realize these things, but to know they're apparent from the outside as well is just sad.
I feel like this was all so much more clear in my head, and so much more lengthy. But as most days, there's just too many thoughts to be able to get them all out clearly.
A few nights ago Amanda asked who I had been talking to on the phone earlier in the day (Melissa) and when I asked why, her response was, "Because you were laughing so hard, and it was so nice. I don't know the last time I truly heard you laugh." I realize these things, but to know they're apparent from the outside as well is just sad.
I feel like this was all so much more clear in my head, and so much more lengthy. But as most days, there's just too many thoughts to be able to get them all out clearly.
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