004.

I've wanted to find it in me for so long now to push myself so hard into the things that are going to make me happy. I'm not currently doing as bad as I've seen myself get, but it can always be better and I'm definitely not where I want to be, where the end goal is. It's just that every time I start working towards something, I get pushed down again. I know this is how my life is, and I know the lifestyle I choose to lead is never, ever going to be on the side of helping me out except for making me a better person, albeit a more depressed better person. But when everything is stressing me out to the point of tossing and turning every night away, it's hard to even acknowledge that I can hardly even handle the little things right now.

Like how I keep calling this person my best friend, when they are not that any more and no matter how close I feel to them when they're there, there is something incredibly fucked up with our relationship and it's just not even there right now, and won't be for a long time now if it's even fixable.

Or how I hate the idea of craving having feelings for someone, the urge to feel butterflies and hold hands. I don't know how to even go about that right now, when I think about trying all I can go back to is that it's not him. It's not you, and that's who I want it to be. I don't know how I get over that, especially when the amazing person i think you are is not going to change and all your best friends are liking my tumblr posts. I'm thinking about the holidays next year, so far from now, when we're both back in our hometowns and so close, i wonder if you'll even still cross my mind come then.

I don't know how much I believe in there being "the one".
The very unfamiliar rational version of myself knows how unlikely it is that in a world so large, there's so few possibilities for love.

But the more familiar irrational version of me is scared you were it and now you're gone.

The absences are always noticed.

I know months from now I won't feel this way. If you're not in my life, I'll look back and wonder how I ever felt that way because you were the one for the person I was then and not who I am now.
I've been there before, I've done that before.

But it doesn't make the facts untrue, the way I've never felt so comfortable so fast with any one before, the way you made me feel things I forgot how to feel.

In an alternate universe, there was so many possibilities.
Yet in this one, there was nothing but our lives working against the possibility of us.

So here I am, 3,000 miles away with just a memory of holding your hand in the dark car and some dried up flowers I left in California.

I just tried to abbreviate our first street name and it came out to be S.A.D. At least that made me laugh.

How is it, everyone I talk to about going through this, they tell me how great of a friend I am.
How they think I'm devoted. I'm "the best". I'm a "good thing".
Yet the one fucking person I actually give the most to, is the only person I can't give enough to for them to appreciate the same things anyone else I love does.

I know what the solution is and it's the same advice every one I've spoken to has given me.
Yet I don't even know if I'm strong enough to go through it.
Regardless of how wrong or right I feel about it, how do I find it in me to push the person closest to me the furthest away?

My whole body shaking involuntarily and barely being audible when I answer your phone call.
I'm not sure about anything anymore, let alone you.